What causes a couple's relationship to fail, is the cause due to dissimilarity?

  Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "What causes a couple's relationship to fail, is the cause due to dissimilarity? From a psychological perspective, the answer is yes, there is a very high possibility.

 Although the cliché "opposites attract" is often heard, long-term psychological research actually shows that similarity and shared meaning are the main foundations of lasting relationships.

 

Here is a psychological breakdown of why the absence of these two elements often causes relationships to fail:

 

1. The Role of Similarity: The Similarity-Attraction Effect

 

In social psychology, there is a strong principle called the Similarity-Attraction Effect. We are naturally drawn to and feel safe with people who are similar to us. However, psychologists distinguish "similarity" into two levels:

 

- Surface-Level Similarity: Hobbies, music tastes, or favorite foods. Differences here are not fatal. You can like rock music and your partner jazz, and the relationship can still work.

- Deep-Level Similarity: Core life values, spiritual views, money management, parenting styles, and future vision.

 

Why does this cause failure?

If you lack deep-level similarity, constant cognitive conflict will occur. Every major decision—from buying a house to communicating—becomes a battlefield because your "life dictionaries" are different. Without a shared value foundation, compromise becomes extremely tiring and often feels like a sacrifice of self.

 

2. Sternberg's Love Theory: The Loss of "Commitment"

 

Robert Sternberg, a renowned psychologist, formulated the Triangular Theory of Love. According to him, complete love consists of three components:

 

- Intimacy (emotional closeness)

- Passion (physical desire)

- Commitment (the decision to stay together)

 

When you say "there is no reason to be together," in this psychology, it is often translated as the loss of the Commitment component.

 

- Without a strong reason (shared vision), the relationship only survives on Passion (which is temporary by nature) or Intimacy (merely being a confidant).

- When desire fades (a natural process), it is the "reason" or commitment that holds partners together through difficult times. If that reason is absent, there is no "glue" to bind the relationship when storms hit.

 

3. The "Shared Meaning" Theory

 

Relationship psychologist John Gottman emphasizes the importance of creating Shared Meaning. Lasting couples are not just those who love each other, but those who build a "culture" together.

 

If there is no similarity and no shared reason (purpose), then:

 

- You live "parallel lives" (existing under the same roof but separately), not "shared lives."

- There are no shared rituals, shared dreams, or narratives of "us against the world."

- This lack of shared meaning creates an emotional emptiness that often leads to breakup due to loneliness within the relationship.

 

4. Social Exchange Theory

 

This theory views relationships as a "Cost vs. Benefit" calculation:

 

- Costs: Effort to understand a very different partner, conflicts from value differences, energy to tolerate mismatches.

- Benefits: Emotional support, security, happiness.

 

If there is no similarity (high communication costs) and no strong reason (low future benefits), humans will psychologically withdraw. Our brains are wired to seek efficiency; maintaining a relationship that is emotionally costly without a clear purpose is seen by our subconscious as a "foolish investment."

 

Conclusion

 

Psychologically, a relationship can end not because of a third party or a big fight, but because of the silent erosion caused by two things:

 

- Fatigue: Tired of constantly bridging too wide differences in principles.

- Lack of Purpose: Not knowing where the relationship ship is sailing.

 

A healthy relationship requires "enough similarity" to make communication smooth, and "enough reason" to make the struggle worthwhile.

Psychological trauma recovery works through interconnected biological and psychological mechanisms

   Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "Psychological trauma recovery works through interconnected biological and psychological mechanisms". The main reason why I chose this topic is because many people don't know how to heal from the trauma of their past, Many people are willing to take medication to recover from trauma, even though medication only acts as a buffer for emotional wounds, not a cure. At its core is "reprogramming" how the brain and body respond to painful memories.

 

Below is an explanation of trauma recovery mechanisms divided into three main aspects:

 

1. Biological Mechanism: Neuroplasticity (Brain Plasticity)

The key to healing is neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to change, repair itself, and form new neural pathways.

 

- Trauma-Related Issues: When trauma occurs, the brain enters survival mode.

- The amygdala (fear/alarm center) becomes overactive.

- The hippocampus (memory center) fails to process the event as "past," so the memory feels like it is happening "in the present."

- The prefrontal cortex (rational brain) becomes less active ("offline").

- Recovery Mechanism: Therapy and exercises help calm the amygdala and reactivate the prefrontal cortex. The goal is to move traumatic memories from "active emotional memory" to "ordinary long-term memory" with a sense of timing (understanding that the event is over).

 

2. Two Recovery Pathways: Top-Down & Bottom-Up

In modern psychology, there are two main approaches to accessing these healing mechanisms:

A. Top-Down Processing (From Mind to Body)

Uses the rational brain to calm emotions.

 

- Method: Through talk therapy (e.g., CBT/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

- Mechanism: You are guided to recognize negative thought patterns (e.g., "I am not safe anywhere") and train the brain to challenge them with logic and facts ("I am safe now; the event is over"). This strengthens the prefrontal cortex’s "muscles" to control fear.

 

B. Bottom-Up Processing (From Body to Mind)

Uses the body to send safety signals to the brain. This is critical because trauma is often "stored" in the body (muscle tension, rapid heartbeat).

 

- Method: Breathing exercises, mindfulness, yoga, or somatic therapy.

- Mechanism: Directly calms the autonomic nervous system. When the body relaxes, it sends signals to the brainstem and amygdala that "there is no danger," allowing the rational brain to function again.

 

3. Stages of the Recovery Mechanism (Judith Herman’s Model)

These mechanisms unfold gradually through three main phases:

 

- Safety & Stabilization:

Before exploring old wounds, the nervous system must first be calmed. The focus is on helping you feel safe in the present and able to manage overwhelming emotions.

- Remembrance & Mourning (Processing):

This is the core of trauma processing. Traumatic memories are recalled in small, safe doses (exposure) and then given new meaning. The goal is desensitization — reducing the negative emotional charge of the memory so it no longer hurts when remembered.

- Reconnection & Integration:

Trauma no longer defines who you are; it becomes just a small part of your life story. You begin to rebuild social connections and new life purposes.

 

Summary

Trauma recovery is not about "erasing memories," but about changing your relationship with those memories. Through neuroplasticity, the brain learns that the memory is a thing of the past that no longer poses a physical threat to you in the present.

Signs of childhood trauma in adults

   Hi, today I would like to share the interesting topic, namely "Signs of childhood trauma in adults", the main reason why I choose that topic because not many people can detect it, Signs of childhood trauma in adults can appear in various forms, whether emotionally, behaviorally, cognitively, or physically. Childhood trauma occurs when a child experiences a frightening event, causes uncontrollable fear, or makes them feel unsafe without adequate support. Its effects can be long-lasting and affect how a person interacts with the world, themselves, and others as an adult. Below is a more detailed explanation of the signs:

 

Emotional Signs

- Excessive worry and anxiety: Often feeling anxious for no clear reason, experiencing severe social anxiety, or having panic attacks. Childhood trauma can make the brain accustomed to dangerous situations, so it stays in "alert" mode even when there is no real threat.

- Depression and hopelessness: Often feeling sad, helpless, or having no hope for the future. Some people also experience a sense of emptiness or lack of a clear identity.

- Difficulty managing emotions: Easily angered, offended, or crying for no clear reason. Sometimes also experiencing "emotional numbing," where it is hard to feel happiness or affection.

- Excessive guilt and shame: Always feeling at fault even when doing nothing wrong, or being ashamed of themselves and their past. Trauma can make a person feel that they are to blame for the events that happened to them.

- Difficulty trusting others: Hard to build deep relationships and trust others, because of fear of being betrayed, hurt, or neglected like what happened in childhood.

 

Behavioral Signs

- Difficulty in relationships: Often experiencing problems in romantic, friendship, or family relationships — for example, being too dependent, too distant, or always looking for conflict. Some people also tend to withdraw from social activities and live alone.

- Self-harm behavior: Engaging in behavior that is dangerous to oneself, such as hitting oneself, cutting oneself, or taking unnecessary risks. This can be a way to cope with painful feelings that cannot be expressed.

- Addiction: Trapped in addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, games, or other activities as a way to escape from trauma feelings.

- Difficulty sleeping or nightmares: Hard to fall asleep, often waking up in the middle of the night, or having nightmares that remind one of childhood traumatic events.

- Excessive control behavior: Always wanting to control all aspects of their life, because of fear of losing control like what happened in the past. This can appear in the form of strict habits, perfectionism, or difficulty accepting one's own flaws.

 

Cognitive Signs

- Negative thoughts about oneself: Always seeing oneself as not good enough, weak, or worthless. This can come from hurtful words or behavior of adults in childhood.

- Difficulty concentrating and remembering: Hard to focus on daily tasks, or experiencing memory problems — especially memories of the traumatic event itself (dissociation). Sometimes also experiencing "mind blank" when exposed to triggers that remind one of the trauma.

- Believing in wrong assumptions: Having unrealistic beliefs, such as "I will always be hurt" or "no one will love me." These beliefs can shape how a person sees the world and makes decisions.

- Dissociation: Sometimes feeling like "being detached from oneself" or as if watching their life from the outside. This is the brain's natural defense mechanism to protect itself from excessive pain.

 

Physical Signs 

- Unclear body pain: Experiencing back pain, headaches, stomach pain, or other physical discomfort that cannot be explained by medical causes. Trauma can affect the autonomic nervous system, causing muscle tension and physical health problems.

- Immune system problems: More susceptible to illness because of long-term stress from trauma that lowers the immune system.

- Digestive problems: Experiencing recurring gastritis, constipation, or diarrhea due to the connection between the brain and digestive tract that is affected by stress.

- Rapid heartbeat or difficulty breathing: Often feeling a racing heartbeat or difficulty breathing, especially when exposed to triggers that remind one of the trauma.

 

It should be noted that not all people who experience childhood trauma will show all these signs, and the severity can vary. Some people may not realize that their feelings or behaviors come from past trauma, because the symptoms can appear gradually as they get older.

 

If you or someone you know experiences these signs and finds it difficult to cope on your own, seeking help from a mental health professional (such as a therapist or counselor) can be very helpful. Therapies like Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) or EMDR Therapy can help a person process trauma and build healthier ways to manage emotions and relationships.

What's the function of existential intelligence in reality

  Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "what's the function of existential intelligence in reality", the main reason why I choose that topic because many people don't know about its existence, for your information that existential Intelligence (often referred to as the 9th intelligence in Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligences theory) is a person's ability to contemplate fundamental questions about human existence.

Simply put, it is the intelligence of the "big picture." People with this intelligence often grapple with questions about life, death, and the reality of the universe.

 

Here is a detailed explanation along with real-life examples:

 

Traits of People with Existential Intelligence

 

They are not satisfied with superficial answers. They tend to:

- Think philosophically.

- Be able to see things from a cosmic or broad perspective.

- Question established norms and "truths."

 

Concrete Examples in Daily Life 

1. Children Who Often Ask "Why?"

The purest examples are often seen in children who ask difficult questions to their parents, such as:

- "Where was I before I was born?"

- "Why do people have to die?"

- "Why are we on Earth instead of another planet?"

- "Where does God live?"

2. Interest in Deep Topics

Someone with this intelligence usually prefers discussions about:

- The origin of the universe (cosmology).

- Concepts of time and infinity.

- The meaning of love, suffering, or justice.

- They may prefer watching documentaries about outer space or reading philosophy books over light/gossip topics.

3. Ability to See "Beyond the Self"

When facing minor problems (e.g., traffic jams or losing money), they can stay calm because they see them in a long-term perspective.

- Example: "This frustration is only temporary and won't mean anything in 5 years."

4. Relevant Professions

People with high existential intelligence are often found in roles such as:

- Philosophers: Thinkers who formulate concepts about logic and ethics.

- Theologians/Spiritual Leaders: People who delve into the meaning of divinity and spirituality.

- Theoretical Physicists/Cosmologists: Like Einstein, who thought about the relativity of time and space.

- Abstract Artists/Writers: Whose works try to capture human emotions or conditions that are difficult to put into words.

 

World Figures Examples

Some figures considered to have very high existential intelligence: 

- Socrates: Always questioned the definitions of truth and justice.

- Buddha: Searched for answers to human suffering and a way out of it.

- Albert Einstein: Although a scientist, he often contemplated the mysteries of the universe with a sense of wonder that was almost spiritual.

 

[!NOTE]

Important: Having existential intelligence does not mean a person has to be religious. An atheist can also have high existential intelligence if they often contemplate ethics, morality, and the origin of the universe in depth.

 

Do You Have It? 

You may have dominant existential intelligence if you often feel: 

- Small when looking at stars at night, yet feel connected to the universe.

- Often daydreaming about the future of humanity.

- Wanting your life to have an impact or "legacy," not just to pursue money.

What makes people feel at home at the working place

   Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "What makes people feel at home at the working place", the main reason why I choose that topic because not everyone can detect what makes them comfortable at the working place, The feeling of "betah" (comfort and contentment) in the workplace is known in psychology by the term Employee Retention, which is closely linked to Employee Engagement.

 

Psychologically, a high salary often only prevents someone from "leaving" but is not enough to make them feel "betah" (comfortable and enthusiastic). The feeling of betah arises when humans' basic psychological needs are met.

 

Here is a psychological breakdown of what truly makes someone "betah or comfort" at work:

 

1. Self-Determination Theory

This is the "cornerstone" of modern work psychology. According to this theory, a person will naturally feel betah if their three innate needs are fulfilled:

- Autonomy: A sense of having control. Employees feel trusted to arrange their own work methods, rather than being dictated every step of the way (micromanagement).

- Competence: A feeling of "I'm good at this". Employees feel their work is challenging but still manageable, and that their skills are growing, not stagnant.

- Relatedness: A sense of belonging. This is often translated as a "family-like" culture in Indonesia. Employees feel cared for as people, not just as company assets.

2. Psychological Safety

Popularized by Harvard's Amy Edmondson, this concept is a key factor in mental comfort:

- Definition: Employees feel safe to express opinions, ask questions, or even make mistakes without fear of being embarrassed, punished, or seen as stupid by superiors and colleagues.

- Impact: If someone has to constantly "wear a mask" or fear speaking up every day, their mental energy will be exhausted (burnout) and they will not feel betah.

3. Job Embeddedness

Psychology also views betah as how strong the "spider's web" is that ties someone to their position. There are three elements:

- Fit: The employee's personal values align with the company culture. Example: A laid-back person will not feel betah in a very rigid/bureaucratic company.

- Links: Having a "Work Bestie" or close friend at the office. Research shows that having one close friend at work is one of the strongest predictors of someone staying long-term.

- Sacrifice: The perception that "if I move, I will lose many non-material things" (such as a fun team, an understanding boss, or flexible working hours).

4. Perceived Equity

Humans have a highly sensitive sense of fairness. The feeling of betah can disappear instantly if there is inequality:

- Distributive Justice: Is my salary/bonus fair compared to colleagues with the same workload?

- Procedural Justice: Are rules enforced evenly? Are promotions given transparently or based on favoritism?

5. Meaningfulness

Psychologist Victor Frankl emphasized that humans are driven by the search for meaning. A person will feel betah—even in a very heavy job—if they feel their work is important and makes an impact.

- Example: A customer service representative will feel more betah if they see their work as "helping people in need" rather than just "handling complaints".

 

Summary: The "comfortable" Triangle meaning 

Simply put, a person will feel comfortable if they can say:

 

- "I am safe here." (Psychological Safety)

- "I am valuable here." (Recognition & Meaning)

- "I have a future here." (Growth & Competence)