Why It Is Difficult to Forgive Someone Who Never Admits Their Own Mistakes? The Psychology talks

 

   As we know that forgiving other people's mistakes is part of human strength, but not everyone has that kind of strength. The main reason why not everyone has the power to forgive others' mistakes is because having such great power comes from the clarity of mind and gentleness of heart, people who have grudge or huge sense of hatred to others, they will be reluctant to give a forgiveness, from Psychologically speaking, it is very human to find it difficult to forgive someone who refuses to admit their wrongdoing. This is because what is hard to let go of is often not just the "mistake" itself, but the feeling that the injustice remains unacknowledged and our pain unvalidated.

Here are some research why it's not easy to deal with a sense of forgiveness:

1. The brain perceives the issue as unresolved

When someone hurts us and then says, "I didn't do anything wrong," the brain experiences a kind of conflict:

"I experienced something painful, yet the person who caused it won't even acknowledge that it happened."

Consequently, the mind keeps returning to the event:

"Why don't they understand?"

"Was I the one in the wrong?"

"Why won't they apologize?"

"How can they act as if nothing happened?"

This makes it difficult to find closure regarding the experience.

2. Apologies serve a psychological function

An apology is more than just the word "sorry." It provides several elements:

Acknowledgment → validation → accountability → the possibility of healing.

For example:

"Yes, I did hurt you. I was wrong. I understand why you were hurt."

Statements like these can make the person who was hurt feel:

"At least they understand what happened."

Conversely, a refusal—such as:

"You're being too sensitive."

or

"It wasn't my fault."

—can complicate the emotional wound, as the person not only suffers pain but also feels that the reality of their experience is being denied.

3. There is a difference between forgiving and making peace

This is crucial.

Forgiving is not the same as saying the other person was right.

Nor does forgiveness mean:

forgetting the event,

trusting them again,

allowing them to repeat the behavior,

maintaining the relationship,

or absolving them of consequences.  One might say:

“I accept that you will never admit your wrongdoing. I no longer want to live with this anger. But I still will not give you the chance to hurt me again.”

That in itself is a form of psychological release.

4. Why does acknowledgment feel so important?

Because humans have a fundamental need to feel:

“What I experienced was real and valid.”

When others deny it, we sometimes try to gain acknowledgment by repeatedly explaining:

“But back then, you did this…”

And they reply:

“No.”

We explain again.

They deny it again.

Eventually, a cycle emerges:

hurt → seeking acknowledgment → not getting acknowledgment → anger → trying to explain again → getting hurt all over again.

This is where one can get stuck for years.

5. There is a very subtle psychological trap

We sometimes unconsciously make our own peace of mind dependent on someone else changing:

“I can only find peace if they admit their mistake.”

The problem is that we hand over control of our peace to the very person who hurt us.

What if they never admit it?

Does that mean we can never heal?

It doesn't have to be that way.

The shift in perspective is:

“I hope they admit their mistake, but my healing must not depend on their acknowledgment.”

This is a major difference.

6. From a psychological standpoint, there are two distinct tasks

The first task: seeking justice.

For example, holding someone accountable, setting boundaries, ending a relationship, or asking for clarification.

The second task: letting go of the emotional attachment to the event.

The two do not have to happen simultaneously.

In fact, sometimes we need to say:

“I still consider what you did to be wrong. But I do not want to keep carrying the weight of your wrongdoing in my mind.”

That is a more mature form of healing.  7. So, must we forgive?

There is no need to force yourself to say:

“I have forgiven.”

...if you actually haven’t.

It is healthier to start with:

“I acknowledge that I am hurt.”

then:

“I acknowledge that they might never understand my pain.”

next:

“I cannot control whether they acknowledge it.”

and finally:

“But I can still choose what to do with this pain.”

At the most mature stage, the ultimate goal isn't always forgiving the other person, but rather ceasing to let their behavior dictate our emotional lives.

Interestingly, this also answers a question that often arises in relationships: sometimes, what makes it hard to move on isn't that we still love or hate the person, but that our minds are still waiting for an acknowledgment that may never come.

  Then how to create the strength to forgive other people's mistakes, namely learning to speak softly, treating people in a decent way, In addition, write down on paper the following question "am I worthy enough to be forgiven by others?" If we learn deeper about that question, we will feel shocked at the first time because we rarely think about the importance of power in giving forgiveness to others, remember this: when we can deal with self forgiveness, we can deal with the pain of giving a forgiveness to others.

Why do people keep repeating toxic relationship patterns? The Psychology talks

 

  Recently I have seen many people choose to stop improving their standards because they think changing is huge risk, in fact, not willing to improve our standard will get worse, this topic also applies to people who build toxic relationship pattern, If you ask me why toxic relationship patterns continue to reproduce and get stronger from it's size because toxic relationship can get increase its power from the ambition to conquer authority, recognition and fame, In my opinion, these three things are something that can motivate humans being.

People often repeat toxic relationship patterns not because they consciously want suffering, but because the nervous system can confuse familiarity with safety.

A useful way to understand it is:

“What feels familiar can feel safer than what is actually healthy.”

1. Familiar pain can feel like love

If someone grew up experiencing inconsistency—sometimes receiving affection, sometimes rejection—they may unconsciously learn:

“Love means trying hard to get someone's attention.”

Later, they may be attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or difficult to please.

A stable person may actually feel “boring” because there is no emotional chase.

2. The intermittent-reward effect

Toxic relationships often aren't bad 100% of the time.

It can look like:

distance → anxiety → conflict → reconciliation → intense affection → distance again

That unpredictability can create a powerful reward cycle.

The occasional affection becomes extremely valuable precisely because it is unpredictable.

It's similar psychologically to variable reinforcement: you don't know when the reward will come, so you keep trying.

3. People repeat unresolved emotional patterns

Someone may unconsciously try to recreate an old emotional situation in adulthood, hoping for a different ending.

For example:

> “If I can finally make this emotionally unavailable person love me, maybe I'll finally prove that I'm worthy of love.”

The relationship becomes more than a relationship. It becomes an attempt to repair an old wound through another person.

Unfortunately, the partner cannot necessarily provide that repair.

4. Low self-worth changes what feels acceptable

Someone who believes:

> “Maybe I don't deserve better.”

may tolerate things that another person would immediately reject.

The problem isn't necessarily that they don't recognize the toxicity.

They may recognize it very clearly but think:

> “But what if this is the best I can get?”

5. The brain adapts to chaos

When someone has been exposed to repeated emotional instability, calmness can initially feel strange.

Healthy relationship:

> predictable → respectful → calm → consistent

Toxic relationship:

> uncertainty → jealousy → conflict → reconciliation → passion

The second can produce much stronger emotional activation.

So a person can mistakenly interpret:

intensity = chemistry

when actually:

intensity = nervous-system activation.

6. They focus on potential rather than reality

Another common pattern is falling in love with:

> “Who this person could become.”

rather than:

> “Who this person consistently is.”

They may think:

“Once they heal…”

“Once they understand me…”

“Once they stop drinking…”

“Once they trust me…”

“Once they realize how much I love them…”

And years can pass waiting for the potential version of the person.

7. They become attached to the role they play

Some people unconsciously choose toxic relationships where they can become:

✅the rescuer

✅the therapist

✅the fixer

✅the endlessly understanding partner

✅the person who sacrifices everything

Then being needed becomes confused with being loved.

---

The deeper cycle

The pattern often looks like this:

old emotional experience

↓

belief formed

“I have to earn love.”

↓

attraction to familiar dynamics

↓

intense relationship

↓

red flags appear

↓

hope + rationalization

↓

pain

↓

reconciliation

↓

temporary relief

↓

stronger attachment

↓

eventual breakup

↓

loneliness

↓

familiar person becomes attractive again

And the cycle repeats.

How do you actually break it?

The crucial shift is from asking:

> “Why am I attracted to this person?”

to:

> “What happens to me when I'm around this person?”

Look at your nervous system, behavior, and boundaries.

Ask:

1. Do I feel more peaceful or more anxious?

2. Can I express disagreement safely?

3. Are their actions consistent with their words?

4. Do I constantly need to prove my worth?

5. Am I attracted to them—or addicted to the emotional highs and lows?

6. Am I accepting their present behavior because I'm hoping for their future behavior?

7. Can I remain myself in this relationship?

The goal isn't simply to learn how to choose better partners.

It's also to learn how to recognize:

 “This feels familiar, but familiar doesn't mean healthy.”

And eventually, healthy love may stop feeling boring and start feeling safe.

Why Silence Sometimes Hurts More Than Arguments? The psychology talks

 

   Recently many people consider arguments with spouse to be normal, but many of them try to avoid them, based on some old stories, many people choose to remain silent without communicating because they think communication will create new pain when there is no agreement in both side,  In fact, such an atmosphere is actually tense and dangerous, many new couples choose to distance themselves rather than resolve endless conflicts, If we examine the reasons why keeping quiet is actually high risk because without communication with a partner/spouse, it is considered that there is no longer an intense relationship / official relationship. So, do you think maintaining a relationship with conflict is a good way? Let's discuss in more detail

Based on research recently, Silence can sometimes hurt more than an argument because an argument gives the brain information, while silence creates uncertainty and ambiguity.

That's the reason why silence can feel so painful and also it can create emptiness in deep feeling.

When two people argue, even though the interaction is unpleasant, there is usually something concrete happening:

You know the other person is upset.

You can hear what they think.

You can defend yourself or explain.

There is an opportunity for resolution.

The relationship is still being actively engaged with.

Silence removes many of those signals.

The mind then starts asking:

> “Are they angry?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Do they still care?”

“Are they going to leave me?”

“Why aren't they responding?”

These are some perspectives where uncertainty becomes psychologically painful in relationship.

1. The brain dislikes an ambiguous ending

An argument has a beginning, middle, and often some kind of conclusion.

Silence has no clear conclusion.

Psychologically, unresolved situations can keep receiving attention because the brain is still trying to determine what happened and what it means.

That's why someone can replay a silent interaction for hours:

> “Why did she suddenly become quiet?”

The problem isn't necessarily the silence itself. It's the meaning the mind has to construct around it.

2. Silence can trigger rejection sensitivity

For someone who strongly fears rejection or abandonment, silence may be interpreted as:

“They don't want me anymore.”

Even when the actual explanation might be:

“They need some time to calm down.”

So the emotional reaction isn't always proportional to the objective situation.

The person's nervous system may respond to perceived relational danger, not necessarily actual danger.

3. Silence removes emotional feedback

Imagine saying:

> “I'm hurt by what you did.”

And receiving:

> “I understand. Let's talk about it.”

You receive feedback.

But imagine saying it and getting no response.

Your brain doesn't know whether the message was:

understood ?

rejected ?

ignored ?

forgotten ?

punished ?

or simply postponed ?

That ambiguity can be extremely uncomfortable.

4. Silence can become a form of punishment

There is an important distinction between healthy silence and silent treatment.

Healthy silence:

> “I'm too emotional right now. I need some time. I'll talk to you tonight.”

Silent treatment:

> “I'm deliberately withholding communication so that you suffer, become anxious, or submit.”

The second can become psychologically damaging because the uncertainty itself becomes the punishment.

5. Sometimes silence isn't always worse than arguing

This is important, silence sometimes can give someone time to contemplate about something missing in communication 

Healthy disagreement is often healthier than prolonged silence.

A constructive argument can actually strengthen a relationship when both people eventually communicate:

> “This is what hurt me.”

“This is what I meant.”

“I understand your perspective.”

“Let's find a solution.”

The goal isn't to eliminate conflict.

The goal is to transform:

conflict → understanding → repair.

The deeper psychological lesson

Sometimes what hurts isn't silence.

It's not knowing what the silence means.

And this leads to an interesting principle:

> The less information we have about a relationship, the more likely the mind is to fill the gaps with its fears.

That's why learning to tolerate uncertainty is so important emotionally.

Instead of immediately thinking:

> “They're silent because they don't love me.”

You can practice:

> “I don't know what their silence means yet.”

That small distinction creates psychological space between what happened and what your mind predicts happened.

And sometimes that space is where emotional stability begins.

The solution that I can offer right now is not to eliminate silence or arguments, but to learn how to respond to uncertainty without letting your mind create the worst possible story.

A practical approach:

1. Don't immediately interpret the silence.

Say to yourself: “They are silent. That's a fact. I don't yet know why.”

2. Give appropriate space.

If someone is emotionally overwhelmed, a little distance can be healthy. Don't repeatedly message, demand answers, or chase reassurance.

3. Ask clearly once.

For example:

“I notice you're quiet. If you need some space, I respect that. Just let me know when you're ready to talk.”

4. Set a boundary around prolonged silence.

Space is different from indefinite avoidance. You can say:

“I'm willing to give you time, but I don't think ignoring each other indefinitely is healthy. Let's talk when we're both calmer.”

5. Regulate yourself while waiting.

Don't spend the waiting period analyzing every message, checking their online status, or imagining abandonment. Return your attention to work, exercise, prayer, hobbies, friends, or whatever is in front of you.

6. Separate facts from predictions.

Fact: “They haven't replied for six hours.”

Prediction: “They don't love me anymore.”

Treat the second statement as a hypothesis, not a fact.

7. When communication resumes, discuss the pattern—not just the incident.

Instead of “Why did you ignore me?”, try:

“When communication suddenly stops, I become uncertain about what is happening. How can we handle conflict differently next time?”

The deeper solution is developing tolerance for uncertainty.

You eventually reach a healthier position:

> “I want connection, but I don't need immediate reassurance to remain emotionally stable.”

That's different from becoming cold or pretending you don't care. You still care—you simply don't allow another person's temporary silence to control your inner state.

And there's an important balance:

Don't chase silence. Don't punish silence with silence. Don't fear silence. Understand it, communicate about it, and maintain your own stability.

How to Achieve Healthy Calm: Withdrawing from Reality vs Avoiding Problems

  Some people feel wonder how to achieve healthy calm in real life and some people try to withdraw themselves from reality because they don't know whether they are ready to get new problem or can avoid problem, we all know that healthy calm is not our authority to claim it, but as human being, we can prepare some negative response or we can receive positive response, do you know why some people can achieve healthy calm? Because they don't plan how to escape from problem, instead of they make themselves is ready to endure pain from problem, now the question is are we strong enough to endure pain? 

Let’s delve deeper: how to cultivate a healthy sense of calm without avoiding problems.

There is one thing we must know; If we see something with sense of guilt response, we can't get healthy calm because that response will exaggerate our inner peace, remember this advice: Truth is the mature calm doesn't mean an absence of anxiety, conflict, failure, or uncertainty. Calmness means:

“It is okay for me to feel uncomfortable, but I don’t have to lose control of myself.”

Now here are some healthy response when we get something discomfort 

1. Stop viewing discomfort as the enemy

When anxiety arises, don't immediately think:

“How can I make this feeling go away?”

Try reframing it instead:

“I am feeling anxious, I take a breath. Now what is actually happening?”

This small shift is crucial. You stop waging war against the feeling and begin to understand it.

2. Face problems without needing to solve everything at once

Often, what unsettles us isn't just the problem itself, but the thought:

“I have to solve everything right now.”

But in the reality most people don't do that.

The better question is ask yourself:

“What is one thing I can do right now?”

For instance, if you have a work-related issue, don't try to resolve your entire future in your head. Find one concrete step you can take today.

3. Learn to accept uncertainty

Much of our restlessness stems from a desire for certainty:

“What if I fail?”

“What if they leave me?”

“What if something bad happens?”

The reality is, life offers no such guarantees.

A healthier response is:

“I don’t know what will happen. But if something does happen, I will face it when the time comes.”

This isn't pessimism; it is a belief in our own ability to face reality.

4. Don't avoid everything that makes you anxious

If you always run away whenever you feel anxious, your brain learns:

“This situation is dangerous. It’s a good thing we escaped.”

Consequently, the fear can actually intensify.

Instead, take a gradual approach. For example, if you are afraid of talking to people:

Start by saying hello → having a brief exchange → chatting longer → expressing an opinion → facing the possibility of rejection.

In doing so, the brain gains a new experience:

“It turns out I can be in an uncomfortable situation without having to run away.”

5. Distinguish between acceptance and resignation

Accepting reality does not mean saying:

“Oh well, there is nothing I can do.”

Acceptance means:

“This is the situation as it stands. Now, what is the best response I can give?”

You accept reality before acting, rather than accepting it as an excuse not to act.

6. Practice staying present

When your mind starts drifting to the past or the future, return to something concrete:

“I am sitting right now.”

“I am breathing.”

“I am working on this.”

“I don’t need to solve that problem right this moment.”

This is not about running away from problems. Instead, you are shifting your attention from mental simulations back to the reality unfolding in the present.

7. Use simple statements when problems arise

You can keep these four statements in mind:

“I don’t have to like this situation.”

“I don’t have to get rid of this discomfort.”

“I only need to do the part that is within my control.”

“I can handle the rest when the time comes.”

If practiced consistently, your sense of calm will no longer depend on external circumstances.

Ultimately, our goal is not:

“I want to live without problems.”

But rather:

“I want to be someone who remains calm even when life isn't going the way I want.”

That is healthy calm: not the calm that comes from the world being safe, but the calm that comes from becoming increasingly able to make peace with reality while continuing to take action.

Here is the alternative perspective to see calmness as the ability to transform our relationship with our problems.

For your note: Calmness is not about seeking a place free of problems.

Let me give you analogy, try to imagine you are out at sea. 

Someone seeking calmness by avoiding problems might think:

“I need to find a sea with no waves.”

The problem is, a waveless sea is virtually non-existent.

A healthier approach is:

“I will learn to swim and maintain my balance when the waves come.”

Thus, what needs strengthening is not necessarily our external circumstances, but our own inner capacity.

Don’t ask, “How can I make this problem go away?”

When a problem arises, we often immediately think:

“How can I avoid feeling this way?”

Try a different question instead:

“How can I remain true to my best self while going through this?”

For instance, suppose you are disappointed with someone.

You don’t have to eliminate that disappointment.

You can remain disappointed yet still speak calmly.

You can remain afraid yet still make a decision.

You can remain sad yet still fulfill your responsibilities.

You can remain uncertain about the future yet still live through the present day.

This is a crucial skill: emotions are allowed to be present, but they don’t have to be in the driver’s seat.

There is one vital shift in perspective.

Do not make calmness a prerequisite for taking action.

Many people unconsciously think:

“Only when I am calm can I face the problem.”

In reality, the process is often the reverse:

“I face the problem bit by bit, and through that experience, my calmness grows.”

So, don’t wait until you feel 100% ready.

Sometimes, courage simply means:

“I am still afraid, yet I move forward anyway.”

Calmness also means ceasing to demand that life always align with our desires.

It is certainly fine to have desires.

But the stronger the demands—such as:

“People must understand me.” “Everything must go according to plan.”

“I cannot fail.”

“I must always be liked.”

“The future must be secure.”

...the more things there are that can disturb our peace of mind.

We can replace these thoughts with:

“I have preferences, but I do not make those preferences a condition for my peace of mind.”

This is vastly different.

You still strive to improve the situation, but when reality falls short of expectations, you do not instantly fall apart internally.

And perhaps the deepest insight is this:

True peace of mind is not:

“I am certain everything will be fine.”

Because we do not always know if everything will be fine.

A more mature kind of peace is:

“I do not know if everything will be fine. But I trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.”

In my view, this is a far more powerful form of peace.

Because you do not need a guarantee that life will always be good in order to feel secure.

You begin to hold the conviction:

“Whatever happens, I will face it one step at a time.”

From this perspective, problems are no longer things that must be avoided to maintain our peace. Instead, problems become things we can face without losing ourselves.

Why We Often Feel Inadequate Even Though We Have Done Everything Well

 

  The topic we discussed right now is about "Why We Often Feel Inadequate Even Though We Have Done Everything Well", the main reason why I choose that one because many people feel inadequate, some people work very hard and some people apply what they already know in their jobs, but feeling inadequate almost show up everyday, that's basic problem I need to discuss with you, from my research, the major effect why people often feel inadequate even they have done everything well because they have set their own standard to the job where they can meet, but it can't be used when it will be fit into bigger standard where most people need it the most, when their previous standard they were bragging was no longer be used by higher level of other people's need, as impact, their previous standard will create a empty space or feel inadequate in everywhere place 

Let me remind you about one thing,  “doing my best” and “feeling good enough” are two different things.

A person can work hard, be responsible, study, help others, and even achieve a lot—but still feel, “I’m still not good enough.”

Some of the main causes:

Self-standards keep shifting.

The goal used to be “I can.” Once I can, the goal changes to “I must do better.” Once I do better, a new standard emerges.

As a result, achievement never feels like a finish line.

Self-worth is linked to achievement.

The pattern becomes:

✅“If I succeed, I’m worthy.”

✅“If I fail, I’m not good enough.”

This makes every failure feel not just a failure of action, but a failure as a person.

The brain remembers shortcomings more easily than successes.

We can do 10 things well, but one mistake can linger in our minds all night.

It’s as if the brain is saying:

“Forget the 10 things that worked. Let’s analyze that one mistake again.”

 Social Comparison

We often compare the behind-the-scenes of our lives with the front-of-the-scenes of others.

We see others' successes, but we don't see their anxieties, failures, rejections, debts, conflicts, or struggles.

Past Experiences

People who, from childhood, often receive messages like:

❌“You have to be better.”

❌“Why aren't you like your sister?”

❌“Just these grades?”

can learn that love, appreciation, or acceptance must be earned through achievement.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism isn't just about wanting to do something well. Sometimes there's a hidden belief:

“If I'm not perfect, I'm a failure.”

So a 95% result isn't perceived as 95%. What's seen is the 5% that's lacking.

There's a difference between self-evaluation and self-condemnation.

Evaluation says:

“This part isn't good enough. What can I improve?”

Self-condemnation says:

“I'm just not good enough.”

The former fosters growth. The latter attacks self-identity.

 The paradox, Sometimes people think:

“If I don’t feel good enough, I’ll continue to be motivated to be better.”

But if it’s too strong, it can actually happen:

feel inadequate → work harder → succeed → standards rise → still feel inadequate → work even harder.

This can become a never-ending cycle.

The healthier way to say this isn’t:

“I’m already perfect.”

But rather:

“I still have shortcomings, but those shortcomings don’t invalidate my worth.”

This is a crucial distinction.

From a philosophical perspective, There are two questions that are often confused:

“Have I done my best?”

and

“Am I good enough as a person?”

The first question can be evaluated.

The second question shouldn’t be dependent on achievement.

We can continue to grow without hating the current version of ourselves.

So, perhaps maturity isn’t reaching the point where we finally say:

“Now I’m good enough.”

 Rather, it's about being able to say:

"I'm not yet the person I want to be, but I don't have to hate myself for being a better person."

That's the point where self-improvement stops being punishment and begins being growth.

If we don't want to feel inadequate in every single day, we must upgrade our standard at least 1% before the market demands will need our standard, that's the key how to feel adequate in ourselves.