How to deal with an inner child which was hurt in the past

   Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "How to deal with an inner child which was hurt in the past", the main reason why I choose that topic because not everyone can deal the hurt inner child, "In psychology, the inner child is viewed as a part of a person's personality that retains characteristics, memories, and emotions from childhood—both positive and negative. When this inner child is wounded by trauma, neglect, or unhealthy parenting, it continues to "live" within the adult and influences the way we act today.

 

Below are psychological perspectives and ways to address these wounds:

 

Psychological Perspectives on the Wounded Inner Child 

Psychology sees these wounds not merely as memories, but as trapped nervous system responses. Some of their impacts on adults include:

 

- Overreaction: Feeling extremely angry or sad over small issues because they trigger old memories.

- Poor Relationship Patterns: For example, fear of abandonment leading to excessive dependence, or conversely, being very closed off.

- Harsh Self-Criticism: Having an inner voice that always blames oneself—often an internalization of criticism from parents or the environment in the past.

- Coping Mechanisms: The emergence of destructive behaviors such as excessive perfectionism, difficulty saying "no," or escaping into unhealthy things.

 

Ways to Address the Wounded Inner Child

 

In psychotherapy, the healing process is usually carried out through the following techniques:

 

1. Reparenting (Being a Parent to Yourself)

This is the most popular method. You learn to give yourself now what you did not receive in the past.

 

- Validation: Telling yourself, "It's okay to feel sad; what happened back then was indeed painful."

- Protection: Learning to set boundaries to avoid being hurt by the same patterns again.

 

2. Dialogue and Letter-Writing

Try writing a letter from your adult self to your childhood self.

 

- Example: Write that you are safe now, and that you will take care of that "little one." Conversely, try writing down what the child feels using your non-dominant hand to access the emotional part of the brain.

 

3. Visualization and Meditation

Imagine meeting your younger self from the past. Hug them, listen to their story, and say the things they wanted to hear back then (such as "You are valuable" or "This is not your fault").

4. Expressive Therapy

Sometimes words are not enough. Using art therapy (drawing) or play therapy can help release repressed emotions without having to explain them logically.

5. Professional Help

If the wound stems from severe trauma (violence or abuse), it is highly recommended to see a psychologist. They may use methods such as:

 

- CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): Changing negative thought patterns.

- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Helping process traumatic memories so they no longer feel painful.

 

Healing the inner child is a journey, not an instant destination. This process helps you live more peacefully in the present without being constantly driven by the pain of the past."

What causes a couple's relationship to fail, is the cause due to dissimilarity?

  Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "What causes a couple's relationship to fail, is the cause due to dissimilarity? From a psychological perspective, the answer is yes, there is a very high possibility.

 Although the cliché "opposites attract" is often heard, long-term psychological research actually shows that similarity and shared meaning are the main foundations of lasting relationships.

 

Here is a psychological breakdown of why the absence of these two elements often causes relationships to fail:

 

1. The Role of Similarity: The Similarity-Attraction Effect

 

In social psychology, there is a strong principle called the Similarity-Attraction Effect. We are naturally drawn to and feel safe with people who are similar to us. However, psychologists distinguish "similarity" into two levels:

 

- Surface-Level Similarity: Hobbies, music tastes, or favorite foods. Differences here are not fatal. You can like rock music and your partner jazz, and the relationship can still work.

- Deep-Level Similarity: Core life values, spiritual views, money management, parenting styles, and future vision.

 

Why does this cause failure?

If you lack deep-level similarity, constant cognitive conflict will occur. Every major decision—from buying a house to communicating—becomes a battlefield because your "life dictionaries" are different. Without a shared value foundation, compromise becomes extremely tiring and often feels like a sacrifice of self.

 

2. Sternberg's Love Theory: The Loss of "Commitment"

 

Robert Sternberg, a renowned psychologist, formulated the Triangular Theory of Love. According to him, complete love consists of three components:

 

- Intimacy (emotional closeness)

- Passion (physical desire)

- Commitment (the decision to stay together)

 

When you say "there is no reason to be together," in this psychology, it is often translated as the loss of the Commitment component.

 

- Without a strong reason (shared vision), the relationship only survives on Passion (which is temporary by nature) or Intimacy (merely being a confidant).

- When desire fades (a natural process), it is the "reason" or commitment that holds partners together through difficult times. If that reason is absent, there is no "glue" to bind the relationship when storms hit.

 

3. The "Shared Meaning" Theory

 

Relationship psychologist John Gottman emphasizes the importance of creating Shared Meaning. Lasting couples are not just those who love each other, but those who build a "culture" together.

 

If there is no similarity and no shared reason (purpose), then:

 

- You live "parallel lives" (existing under the same roof but separately), not "shared lives."

- There are no shared rituals, shared dreams, or narratives of "us against the world."

- This lack of shared meaning creates an emotional emptiness that often leads to breakup due to loneliness within the relationship.

 

4. Social Exchange Theory

 

This theory views relationships as a "Cost vs. Benefit" calculation:

 

- Costs: Effort to understand a very different partner, conflicts from value differences, energy to tolerate mismatches.

- Benefits: Emotional support, security, happiness.

 

If there is no similarity (high communication costs) and no strong reason (low future benefits), humans will psychologically withdraw. Our brains are wired to seek efficiency; maintaining a relationship that is emotionally costly without a clear purpose is seen by our subconscious as a "foolish investment."

 

Conclusion

 

Psychologically, a relationship can end not because of a third party or a big fight, but because of the silent erosion caused by two things:

 

- Fatigue: Tired of constantly bridging too wide differences in principles.

- Lack of Purpose: Not knowing where the relationship ship is sailing.

 

A healthy relationship requires "enough similarity" to make communication smooth, and "enough reason" to make the struggle worthwhile.

Psychological trauma recovery works through interconnected biological and psychological mechanisms

   Hi, today I would like to share about the interesting topic, namely "Psychological trauma recovery works through interconnected biological and psychological mechanisms". The main reason why I chose this topic is because many people don't know how to heal from the trauma of their past, Many people are willing to take medication to recover from trauma, even though medication only acts as a buffer for emotional wounds, not a cure. At its core is "reprogramming" how the brain and body respond to painful memories.

 

Below is an explanation of trauma recovery mechanisms divided into three main aspects:

 

1. Biological Mechanism: Neuroplasticity (Brain Plasticity)

The key to healing is neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to change, repair itself, and form new neural pathways.

 

- Trauma-Related Issues: When trauma occurs, the brain enters survival mode.

- The amygdala (fear/alarm center) becomes overactive.

- The hippocampus (memory center) fails to process the event as "past," so the memory feels like it is happening "in the present."

- The prefrontal cortex (rational brain) becomes less active ("offline").

- Recovery Mechanism: Therapy and exercises help calm the amygdala and reactivate the prefrontal cortex. The goal is to move traumatic memories from "active emotional memory" to "ordinary long-term memory" with a sense of timing (understanding that the event is over).

 

2. Two Recovery Pathways: Top-Down & Bottom-Up

In modern psychology, there are two main approaches to accessing these healing mechanisms:

A. Top-Down Processing (From Mind to Body)

Uses the rational brain to calm emotions.

 

- Method: Through talk therapy (e.g., CBT/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

- Mechanism: You are guided to recognize negative thought patterns (e.g., "I am not safe anywhere") and train the brain to challenge them with logic and facts ("I am safe now; the event is over"). This strengthens the prefrontal cortex’s "muscles" to control fear.

 

B. Bottom-Up Processing (From Body to Mind)

Uses the body to send safety signals to the brain. This is critical because trauma is often "stored" in the body (muscle tension, rapid heartbeat).

 

- Method: Breathing exercises, mindfulness, yoga, or somatic therapy.

- Mechanism: Directly calms the autonomic nervous system. When the body relaxes, it sends signals to the brainstem and amygdala that "there is no danger," allowing the rational brain to function again.

 

3. Stages of the Recovery Mechanism (Judith Herman’s Model)

These mechanisms unfold gradually through three main phases:

 

- Safety & Stabilization:

Before exploring old wounds, the nervous system must first be calmed. The focus is on helping you feel safe in the present and able to manage overwhelming emotions.

- Remembrance & Mourning (Processing):

This is the core of trauma processing. Traumatic memories are recalled in small, safe doses (exposure) and then given new meaning. The goal is desensitization — reducing the negative emotional charge of the memory so it no longer hurts when remembered.

- Reconnection & Integration:

Trauma no longer defines who you are; it becomes just a small part of your life story. You begin to rebuild social connections and new life purposes.

 

Summary

Trauma recovery is not about "erasing memories," but about changing your relationship with those memories. Through neuroplasticity, the brain learns that the memory is a thing of the past that no longer poses a physical threat to you in the present.