Several key psychological barriers make the act of self-forgiveness very difficult after experiencing failure or making a mistake:
1. Perfectionism and Unrealistic High Standards
For perfectionistic individuals, any failure is seen as evidence that they are "not good enough" or "incompetent." They set almost impossible standards and see mistakes as a major personal failure, rather than as a result of a situation or learning opportunity. Their internal self-critic becomes very harsh, turning small mistakes into lifelong punishments.
2. Shame vs. Guilt
This is a key distinction:
- Guilt: Focuses on behavior—"I did something bad." Healthy guilt can motivate to correct mistakes (reparation) and change.
- Shame: Focuses on the self—"I am a bad person." Shame destroys self-esteem and causes individuals to hide or withdraw, preventing them from constructively processing failure and forgiving themselves.
3. Ruminating on Mistakes
People who find it difficult to forgive themselves often ruminate on failure scenarios in their minds repeatedly. It's like a "broken record" that keeps playing pain, regret, and criticism. Instead of learning from the past, they get stuck in it.
4. Psychological Inflexibility
This is a key concept in ACT. Psychological inflexibility occurs when someone is too attached to their negative thoughts, feelings, and inner experiences that they cannot act according to their life values. They try to avoid or suppress feelings of guilt/shame, but these avoidance efforts actually reinforce suffering.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Recovery
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a third-wave cognitive behavioral approach that is very effective in helping someone forgive themselves after failure. The goal of ACT is not to eliminate pain or negative thoughts, but to increase psychological flexibility—the ability to accept difficult inner experiences while taking actions that are aligned with personal values.
Here are ACT steps that are relevant to self-forgiveness:
1. Acceptance and Cognitive Defusion
- Acceptance: Instead of fighting or suppressing feelings of guilt, shame, or regret, you are trained to accept that these feelings and thoughts are an inevitable part of the human experience after failure. Acceptance means "being willing to have" these feelings without letting them dictate your actions.
- Cognitive Defusion: Separating yourself from thoughts. You learn to see critical thoughts ("I'm a loser," "I always fail") as just words or mental activity, not as absolute truths. Example technique: changing the sentence "I am a total failure" to "I realize that I have the thought that I am a total failure."
2. Being Present
ACT trains you to be fully present in the current moment, breaking the chain of rumination about past failures. By focusing on what is happening now, you reduce the power of the past's grip on your current behavior.
3. Determining Values
You identify core values that are important to you (e.g., being brave, compassionate, or persistent), regardless of past failures. Failure cannot change your values.
4. Committed Action
After accepting the pain (Acceptance) and identifying what is important (Values), the final step is to take small and concrete actions that are aligned with your values.
- Self-Forgiveness as Action: Self-forgiveness is defined as restorative action that is consistent with values, not just a feeling. This can include apologizing, learning from mistakes in a real way, and using energy previously wasted on self-blame into energy to build a better future. In essence, ACT helps you see that failure is an event, while your values are a compass; you can choose to move towards that compass, even when your thoughts and feelings hurt.