To bypass this automatic compass, we need to practice a more objective and detached way of thinking. Here are some practical steps you can take:
1. Change Your Language and Internal Labeling
The way we talk to ourselves (self-talk) significantly determines our perceptions. Avoid labeling someone based on their actions.
*Incorrect (Person-Focused): "He's just selfish and a liar."
*Correct (Behavior-Focused): "He acted selfishly in this situation, and what he said yesterday doesn't match the facts."
Note: When you label him "He's a bad person," you close the door to seeing the other side of him. But when you define him as "He did bad things," you leave room for him to be a whole human being who just happened to make a bad decision.
2. Use the Concept of Fundamental Attribution Error
In social psychology, we tend to judge others' mistakes based on their inherent character, while our own are situationally driven.
* If someone else arrives late, we assume they're undisciplined.
* If we're the one who's late, we blame the traffic jam.
Try flipping this perspective. When someone behaves badly, ask yourself: "What situational factors or pressures might have caused them to act that way today?" Behavior is often just the tip of the iceberg of stress, insecurity, or past trauma.
3. Separate the "Actor" from the "Stage"
Imagine a character in a movie. You might hate Joffrey in Game of Thrones, but you don't hate Jack Gleeson (the actor).
* In real life, people often play certain "roles" driven by ego, defense mechanisms, or work/social influences.
* That annoying behavior is often their way of protecting themselves, not a personal attack intentionally intended to harm you.
4. Implement Firm Boundaries (Healthy Boundaries)
Separating people from their behavior doesn't mean you have to excuse, tolerate, or allow yourself to be mistreated. Quite the opposite.
* You can still respect their dignity as human beings by firmly saying, "I don't like the way you spoke to me in that high-pitched tone."
* You reject their behavior without attacking or destroying their personal character.
5. Focus on Human Core Values
Everyone has a wide spectrum of traits. Someone might be a terrible coworker at time management, but a wonderful father to their children, or someone who loves animals.
* Remember that the behavior you dislike is just one fragment of their entire being. People are too complex to be summarized by just one or two bad behaviors they display in front of you.
Conclusion: we must know what the difference is between a person's mistakes and character...not all mistakes are part of a person's bad character, but a bad character clearly damages a reputation.