Hi, today I want to share an interesting topic, namely "Why do we often fall in love with the same type of person? (A psychological explanation)", The main reason I choose this topic is because many people experience heartbreaking events when facing a relationship, If we look at it from a psychological point of view, people who experience heartbreaking love experiences because they do not raise their standards of thinking, in the end they meet the same type or standard of people as before, The phenomenon of falling in love with the same type of person over and over again has several strong psychological explanations, rooted in childhood experiences and unresolved emotional needs.
1. Love Schemas
This concept was developed by psychologist John Money and later popularized by therapist John Gottman.
* Schema Formation: From childhood, we unconsciously form a "map" or cognitive schema in our brains of what love and relationships should look like. This schema is formed based on our early relationships, particularly with primary caregivers (parents or guardians).
* Schema Content: Love schemas encompass what we consider familiar, sexually attractive, emotionally safe, and how conflict should be handled. Personality types, appearances, or even interaction patterns we experienced as children become embedded in these schemas.
* Familiarity Seeking: As adults, our brains automatically seek out partners who reflect the components of these schemas, even if those components are unhealthy. Familiarity is often equated with security, so we are attracted to familiar types, even when they are painful.
2. Corrective Needs from Childhood Relationships
According to psychodynamic theory, we often choose partners who we subconsciously believe can help us resolve conflicts or unmet needs during childhood (re-enactment).
* Healing Old Wounds: If you had parents who tended to be cold or unemotional, you may be attracted to partners who are also difficult to approach. Subconsciously, you feel the need to "fix" or win their attention.
* Confirmation of Self-Identity: If your childhood was spent catering to the needs of others, you may be consistently attracted to dependent or self-oriented partners. This reinforces your old role as "savior" or "giver," which feels natural to you.
3. Attachment Theory
Our attachment patterns developed in childhood greatly influence how we interact in adult relationships. There are three main patterns:
* Secure: People who are comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
* Anxious/Ambivalent: People who crave intimacy but often worry about abandonment. tend to be attracted to avoidant partners.
* Avoidant: People who value independence and are uncomfortable with excessive emotional intimacy tend to be attracted to anxious partners.
This pattern often creates a repetitive attachment dance: people with an anxious attachment style will consistently choose avoidant partners, and vice versa. This combination feels "right" because it reflects a familiar dynamic, even though it often ends in heartbreak.
4. Mere Exposure and Availability Effect
Cognitively, the more we are exposed to a certain type of person, the more likely we are to feel attracted to them (Mere Exposure Effect).
* If your social, work, or hobby environment consistently exposes you to a certain personality type (for example, an ambitious person or a sensitive artist), that type will become more familiar and accessible, increasing your likelihood of falling in love with them.
Besides deep psychological factors like love schemas and attachment patterns, there are several additional factors that often cause someone to repeatedly fall in love with the same type of person.
Social Environmental Factors (Availability)
The environment in which we move significantly limits our partner choices and increases our exposure to certain types.
* Homogeneous Social Circles: If you frequently hang out with groups of people who share similar socioeconomic status, education, or hobbies (for example, only hanging out with intellectual academics or only with highly ambitious entrepreneurs), you will naturally encounter and fall in love with people from that circle more often. Your environment creates a bias in partner availability.
* Mere-Exposure Effect: This psychological principle states that the more we are exposed to a stimulus (in this case, a certain personality type), the more likely we are to like or feel comfortable with it. If a "cool" or "ambitious" type is the norm in your environment, you are more likely to find that type normal and attractive.
* Biological and Chemical Factors
Physical and chemical attraction are often tied to certain repetitive characteristics.
* Smell and Pheromones: Some research suggests that attraction, the first step toward love, can be influenced by chemical cues such as pheromones. Individuals may be biologically attracted to partners who are genetically different enough (for healthy genetic diversity) but are drawn to a particular physical or personality type associated with those chemical cues.
* Reward Response: Relationships with certain types may result in an intense release of feel-good hormones (such as dopamine and oxytocin), especially during the courtship phase. If a 'dramatic' or 'challenging' partner type triggers a stronger dopamine rush due to its unpredictability, the brain may learn to seek the same reward from similar partners in the future, creating an addictive cycle.
Self-Identity and Values
Your choice of partner can serve as validation of your self-image or values.
* Self-Validation Through Partners: A person may repeatedly choose a particular partner type because that type reinforces their self-image. For example:
* If you have a savior complex, you will continually seek out partners who are in trouble or need help (needy type).
* If you place a high value on social status, you will continue to be attracted to powerful or successful people (high-status types).
* Your partner serves as an "accessory" that confirms your identity in the eyes of the world.
* Unchanging Core Values: Even if you want to change your partner type, if the core values you seek in a relationship (e.g., adventure, financial stability, or intellectuality) remain the same, then you will automatically limit yourself to the type of person who consistently embodies those values.